#35⚙️ Core PM Skills - Engineering (Science)

The science of forming strong connections with others

Welcome to Tech Atypically 👋, your weekly blog that explores the intersection of ADHD and product management. I dive into the science, stories, and strategies that can help you navigate the challenges of ADHD and being a product manager or a person in tech.

Part 10 of the Book of ADHD Product Management.

🌋Takeaways

• Before you can form a strong connection with others, you have to reflect on the connection you have with yourself.

• Brené Brown defines connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship

• I’m at my best emotional state when I have a strong connection to myself and can use that energy to connect with others.

🐼Connect with me for free ADHD help

Welcome to part 2 of my chapter on “Working with engineering teams”. In this chapter the importance of forming a connection with your engineering partners (part 1), how ADHD can get in your way (today), and strategies to help you connect more meaningfully with your partners (next week).

⭐Introduction

Connection is at the heart of what it is to be human. It is the ability to form a bond with another person, lifeform, and sometimes even a thing (hi Charmander). I would argue that the ability to form connections is more nurture than nature. There are inherent traits like shyness or outgoingness that may impact your ability to form connections. However, people can learn to overcome or improve their traits. Some of us with ADHD form connections very easily (like myself) while others can struggle to create and maintain connections.

Your ability to form a strong connection with your engineering partners is integral to your success. The challenge is how to form a connection with people who often have the same goal as you but see the world very differently. Before you can form a strong connection with others, you have to reflect on the connection you have with yourself.

🦄Science - What is Connection?

I’m going to improve your ability to form connections by dropping some science from one of my favorite researchers, Brene Brown. Most of the information you read here can be found in her most recent book, Atlas of the Heart.

Brené Brown defines connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.

I’m going to break up this statement into 3 streams of energy. My interpretation is below each.

1. Feel seen, heard, and valued

   1. Being able to share your authentic self and acknowledge others’ authentic selves.

2. Give and receive without judgment.

   1. Being able to grow and make mistakes together in a shame-free environment.

3. Derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.

   1. Being a positive source of energy for others and deriving positive energy from the relationship.

People with ADHD often have an energy problem. I define energy as the fuel or capacity to complete tasks or form connections. It’s closely related to emotional regulation. Because of the emotional dysregulation of ADHD, doing seemingly easy or mundane tasks can seem like the hardest thing to do in the world.

My emotions and energy can fluctuate rapidly like a drunk Spider-Man swinging through New York during a parade. At times, it can be great, but at some point, I crash into a giant parade float and hurt myself and everyone around me. I often wish I could have a steady stream of emotions and energy. How though?

Across the Spider-Verse is an amazing movie, go watch it. It can be enjoyed sober or drunk.

I’m at my best emotional state when I have a strong connection to myself and can use that energy to connect with others. It seems like a simple thing until you layer in the years of ADHD masking, rejection sensitivity dysmorphia, and shame. I can’t create strong connections with others if I don’t have a strong connection with myself.

You can use Brene’s definition of connection as a framework to connect with yourself.

1. The grace and self-affirmation to feel seen, heard, and valued by me.

2. The ability to reflect on and process my actions without judgment.

3. The ability to derive sustenance and strength from being proud of who I am and strive to be.

In other words,

1. I can’t feel seen, heard, or valued, if I don’t can’t see, hear, or value myself.

2. I can’t give and receive feedback if I can’t see myself without judgment.

3. I can’t give strength to others if I don’t have strength in myself.

Acknowledging the need to connect with yourself is the foundation for creating connections with partner teams. It enables you to listen and be there for others in ways your emotionally dysregulated self would not be able to.

Here’s a comic excerpt from Brene’s book that illustrates a common scenario at the office where an opportunity to form a meaningful connection is ignored. The rest can be read from the link.

✨Conclusion

When I started writing this article last week I thought I was going to write about some of the behavioral traits that get in the way of social interactions associated with ADHD. Traits of oversharing, lack of ability to follow social cues, word cluttering, social anxiety, or whatever I could think that’s wrong with me. Then I had a coaching session with S today and I was reminded that I have wasted so much energy acting like the person I think I should be. Instead, I can let go of the draining energy of “should” and focus on connecting to who I am.

When you’re able to be in touch with who you truly are, you are able to share to form meaningful connections. When your emotions are not connected to your thoughts, you often make decisions that take away your energy and discourage connections with others. If you’re me, you’ll often express the awkward social traits mentioned above. Stop trying to run from yourself, you’ll like the person you find.

Thanks again S.

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⏭️Next Week

The strategies of working with engineering and forming meaningful connections.