#4 How to accept you have a disability through science
How to come to terms with who you are and not who you think you should be
This is issue 4 in a 5 part series on how to re-write your inner critic. Give me the Listicle already dammit.
We focus on step 3 of 4 reshaping the voice of your inner critic this week. Accepting your disability as a part of who you are to be the best you are.
Take a self-assessment of product manager skills to reduce your ADHD insecurity by objectively identifying your strengths and weaknesses.
Ask others what your strengths are to help you build a self-image that is externally based. Your self-critic can’t argue with someone you admire.
Be matter-of-fact about your disability (or aspects of your role beyond your control if you don’t have a disability).
Create a story from the parts you found in steps 1-3 that best represents you.
If you don't have an ADHD diagnosis yet, start here
Before reading this article about ADHD as a disability, I have a recommendation. If you think you may have ADHD or some other type of disorder, the first thing you should do is seek out a professional assessment. For me, having the diagnosis, even as an adult, was life-changing. I just assumed my negative thoughts, ruminations, and anxiety were the same as everyone else’s. I thought my brain was just like others but, I just sucked at life. So many behaviors and feelings had explanations for the first time. I was able to understand that some of my thoughts and emotions were because of my disability; not that I was broken. I realized I needed help and I knew how to start looking for it because of my diagnosis.
“Just having the diagnosis, just realizing what ADHD is and reconciling yourself to it, is 70 percent of the therapy.” He (Mark Stein MD) points out that this sort of self-knowledge is, in itself, a remarkable instrument of change and empowerment for ADHD individuals. - excerpt from Adult ADHD
If you can find a provider and get an assessment, do it. If you don’t have access to healthcare or want to learn more before getting tested, here are some great resources to read or listen to on audiobook:
ADHD 2.0 - Written by some of the leading ADHD researchers today.
Raised on Ritalin - An ADHD history, overview, and personal experience written in comic book form.
Women with ADHD - A great read for women first coming to terms with ADHD (per my wife’s suggestion).
Adult ADHD, How to Succeed as a Hunter in a Farmer’s World - A quick read for those with entrepreneurial spirits that want to harness their ADHD.
ADDitude - The leading multi-format publication platform for ADHD news, help, and info.
Preface
I originally wrote a story about how my couple’s therapist gave me the insight of “being a matter of fact” about my disability. I’m going to save that story for a future issue. Instead, I want to get straight to the point of step 3. Acceptance is power.
Acceptance through Science
Being a matter of fact with your disability means accepting the disability for what it is. Removing, to the best of your ability, the emotions that come from the feeling of “should. Thoughts like, “I should be able to do this”, “I should be able to write a paper like a coworker”, and “I should be able to floss each night without difficulty”. Let go of comparing yourself to others, or the idea of what you think should be. These thoughts only set you up for failure and dig you further into the pit of self-loathing. Actually letting go though is hard. Thankfully have the scientific field of psychiatry. Getting a formal diagnosis of ADHD was my start to letting go and accepting my disability.
My ADHD diagnosis provides a scientific reason for why my self-critic is so loud and explains many of my feelings and thoughts. I know that some of my negative voices and feelings are a part of my disability. I’m disabled but, I have the power to accept that and let go of my self-imposed shame.
For everything else, I have medication (yay science!), exercise, therapy, coaching, and friends. In PM terms, I had to learn to treat my ADHD as a requirement, not a bug, for the many features that make me who I am. ADHD is not a feature. It’s not a bug. It’s a requirement. My requirements are just different from other people with similar features.
Tips on how to be a matter of fact with your ADHD disability.
Leave the shame or “should” behind. Stop creating scenarios for yourself where you’re only setting yourself up for self-blame.
Example: I know planning out every hour of my day down to the minute is going to be a failure. It gives me anxiety just seeing so much planning. It may work for others, but I know it won’t for me. Trying to do it anyway is going to leave me with unneeded self-loathing. Follow step 2 instead.
Recognize your patterns, and plan with them in mind.
Example: I have a daily schedule with my key goals. I like to bounce around between things though. I leave gaps between my dedicated blocks to account for my tangents. It doesn't matter when I get stuff done today, just that I do
Give yourself free space to go on your tangents and explore.
ADHD includes the traits of inattentiveness and hyperfocus. Give yourself the freedom to explore what makes you happy. This is especially true for the workaholics out there. Your job output is not a measure of your worth as a person.
The more we learn about ourselves and our disabilities, the more likely we are to make decisions that are the most helpful to us.
Nobody knows you better than you. Just because something worked for another person doesn’t mean it’ll work for you. It’s up to you to explore, learn and implement what works best for you.
Don’t engage with Oppression Olympics with yourself or others.
Comparative thoughts don’t get you any closer to being the best you. Celebrate what you bring to the world and let the joy of others in.
Have a life (as opposed to getting a life).
It’s common with ADHD anxiety to think we can’t do something or be someone until some condition is met (I struggle hard with this one). It doesn’t have to be that way though. Medication and therapy can be life-changing for ADHD symptoms. However, it won’t change the core of who you are though. The treatment makes it easier for you to be your best self. You don’t have to wait until then to try to start living the best you.
Conclusion
Learning of my ADHD diagnosis and accepting it has been incredibly freeing for me. I can describe to friends and employers, what I need to succeed. I know how to find help both emotionally and medically. I can describe my challenges and needs to my therapists and doctors in ways that maximize my time with them. I can write stories about my ADHD in hopes they help others like myself. I’m more confident in who I am because I’ve accepted the disabled part of who I am. Thanks in part to science!
A quote to summarize the importance of our self-story:
“As we grow up, our beliefs about who we are, how we fit into the world, and what our capabilities are, are really only stories that we tell ourselves — but they are among the most powerful forces in our lives.” - excerpt Adult ADHD
Thank you to my friend Sarah for her tip about the oppression Olympics and for sharing her best self with me.