Overfunctioning in Relationships: The Hidden Costs of Doing Too Much

Improving our relationships for better self-care.

Welcome to Tech Atypically 👋, your weekly blog for navigating the challenges of ADHD and being in the tech industry.

I am an ADHD and product management coach helping you change one belief and take one action each week.

🐼Are you struggling at work and fear the worst? Talk to a team of experts that can help.

Part 7 of the Self-Care Series

⭐️Introduction

This week is an overdue guest post by my friend, Katie Ferrell, LMHC Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor specializing in adult mental health and neurodivergence.

Don’t let the long title fool you, she is as nerdy and down the earth as they come. We once had a discussion using Magic: The Gathering colors as a metaphor for how we form personal beliefs.

I’ve been silent for the last week and a half because I’ve been on a 2-week vacation. Rather than putting up a vacation post for 2 weeks, I decided I could try to do it all and failed. It’s a good intro to this week’s topic; overfunctioning.

🔥Overfunctioning Intro

In my work as a therapist and through personal observations, I've noticed a common pattern that often leads to burnout, resentment, and relationship dysfunction: overfunctioning. This tendency to take on more than one's fair share of responsibility can be particularly pronounced in individuals managing chronic conditions, neurodivergence, or those with a history of trauma or insecure attachment. Let's explore the concept of overfunctioning, how it manifests in relationships, and its impact on both the overfunctioner and their partners.

I used to struggle with trying to do as much as could for my partner out of fear I didn’t add value to their life.

🔥Understanding Overfunctioning

Overfunctioning refers to a pattern of behavior where an individual consistently does more than their share in a relationship, often at the expense of their own well-being. This can manifest in various ways:

1. Taking on excessive responsibilities

2. Constantly anticipating and meeting others' needs

3. Making decisions for others

4. Providing unsolicited advice or help

5. Suppressing one's own needs and emotions

6. Difficulty in setting and maintaining boundaries

While overfunctioning can appear productive on the surface, it often leads to imbalanced relationships and personal burnout.

🔥The Roots of Overfunctioning

Understanding why someone overfunctions is crucial for addressing this pattern. Common underlying factors include:

1. Childhood experiences where a child had to take on adult responsibilities

2. Anxiety and a need for control

3. Low self-esteem and a desire to prove one's worth

4. Anxious attachment styles

5. Societal and gender expectations

6. Neurodivergence as a coping mechanism

7. Chronic health conditions and a desire to compensate

🔥How Overfunctioning Manifests in Relationships

Overfunctioning can show up in various ways within relationships:

1. The "Fixer": Constantly solving everyone's problems without being asked.

2. The Emotional Caretaker: Taking responsibility for managing both their own and their partner's emotions.

3. The Overachiever: Taking on a disproportionate amount of tasks and responsibilities.

4. The Decision Maker: Taking charge of all or most decisions in the relationship.

5. The Sacrificer: Consistently putting their partner's needs ahead of their own.

Photo by Andrik Langfield on Unsplash

🔥The Impact of Overfunctioning on Relationships

While overfunctioning might seem helpful on the surface, it can have serious negative consequences:

1. Resentment and Burnout: The overfunctioner often becomes exhausted and resentful over time.

2. Enabling Underfunctioning: It can inadvertently encourage the other partner to underfunction.

3. Loss of Intimacy: Overfunctioning can create emotional distance in the relationship.

4. Stifled Personal Growth: It denies the partner opportunities for growth and developing their own competence.

5. Anxiety and Control Issues: Overfunctioning often stems from anxiety and a need for control.

6. Codependency: In severe cases, it can lead to unhealthy codependent relationships.

7. Health Consequences: For individuals with chronic health conditions or neurodivergence, overfunctioning can exacerbate symptoms.

🔥Breaking the Cycle of Overfunctioning

Recognizing and addressing overfunctioning is crucial for creating healthier, more balanced relationships. Here are some strategies:

1. Develop Self-Awareness: Recognize patterns of overfunctioning in your behavior.

2. Set and Maintain Boundaries: Learn to say no and establish clear limits.

3. Practice Self-Care: Prioritize your own needs and well-being.

4. Communicate Openly: Have honest conversations with your partner about the overfunctioning pattern.

5. Allow for Natural Consequences: Step back and let your partner experience the results of their actions.

6. Seek Professional Help: Consider couples therapy or individual counseling.

7. Practice Gradual Change: Start with small steps towards a more balanced relationship.

8. Address Underlying Anxiety: Work on managing the anxiety that often drives overfunctioning.

9. Cultivate Individual Interests: Develop hobbies and interests outside of the relationship.

10. Recognize and Celebrate Partner's Capabilities: Acknowledge and appreciate your partner's abilities and contributions.

    

    Photo by Transly Translation Agency on Unsplash

🔥Special Considerations for Neurodivergent Individuals and Those with Chronic Conditions

For neurodivergent individuals or those managing chronic health conditions, addressing overfunctioning might require additional strategies:

1. Educate Your Partner: Ensure they understand your condition and its impact on daily life.

2. Accommodate Fluctuations: Develop flexible strategies for sharing responsibilities.

3. Leverage Strengths: Focus on the unique strengths that come with your neurodivergence or life experience.

4. Seek Peer Support: Connect with others who share your experiences.

5. Use Assistive Tools: Implement tools and strategies that support your functioning without relying excessively on your partner.

🔥The Role of the Underfunctioning Partner

Addressing this dynamic requires effort from both partners:

1. Recognize the Pattern: Acknowledge your role in the dynamic and its impact.

2. Take Initiative: Start taking on more responsibilities, even if it feels uncomfortable at first.

3. Communicate Appreciation: Express gratitude while encouraging your partner to step back when appropriate.

4. Support Your Partner's Boundaries: Respect and reinforce the boundaries your overfunctioning partner is trying to establish.

5. Work on Self-Reliance: Develop skills and confidence in areas where you've typically relied on your partner.

🔥Conclusion: Towards Balanced Functioning

Overfunctioning, while often rooted in good intentions, can create significant strain on relationships and individual well-being. Recognizing this pattern is the first step towards creating healthier, more balanced dynamics. For both partners, this journey involves self-reflection, open communication, and a willingness to change long-standing patterns.

Remember, the goal isn't to completely reverse roles or to achieve perfect equality in all aspects of the relationship. Rather, it's about creating a dynamic where both partners feel valued, competent, and able to express their needs and boundaries. This is particularly important for neurodivergent individuals and those with chronic conditions, who may need to navigate unique challenges in their relationships.

By addressing overfunctioning, couples can work towards a more equitable partnership where both individuals have the space to grow, contribute, and thrive. This balanced approach not only leads to healthier relationships but also supports the personal well-being and development of both partners.

As a mental health professional, I encourage anyone recognizing these patterns in their relationships to seek support. Whether through self-help resources, support groups, or professional therapy, taking steps to address overfunctioning can lead to more fulfilling, sustainable relationships and improved individual well-being.

🐼Join other tech professionals learning how to thrive at work with their neurodiversity.

⏭️Next Week

I’ll be back with the shoulds, wants, and needs of self-care.