#60🦁 Navigating Manager Meetings with ADHD: Active Listening & Speaking Skills

How to practice courage by listening and speaking on your own terms.

Welcome to Tech Atypically 👋, your weekly blog for navigating the challenges of ADHD and being in the tech industry.

I am a coach specializing in ADHD and product management, and I help you change one belief and take one action each week.

Part 2 of the Performance and Productivity series.

🐼Tackle your challenges of working in tech and having ADHD with me

🦋The Takeaways

The Belief: Sharing how I best communicate will seem like a weakness.

The Reality: Good managers want to connect but may need guidance.

The Action: Practice courage in sharing how I listen and speak so my manager can support me.

⭐Introduction

This week, I dive deeper into the topic of feedback from last week by discussing how to better communicate with your manager.

I’ll share 2 two listening and 2 speaking tips to help your next meeting be more productive.

Does meeting with your manager trigger a fight-or-flight response?

🦁The Belief - Sharing is a weakness

I used to be terrified of 1-on-1s with my manager because I was afraid to listen and acknowledge myself.

I felt like I was going to battle each time I went to the little meeting room with two chairs.

30 minutes before my meeting, I’d panic prepare my list of things that I got done and answers to things my manager might ask. Subconsciously I was creating an armor for whatever feedback was coming, good or bad.

I believed could deflect negative feedback with a good reason, I couldn’t be blamed or fired. I could be called “defensive” though which wasn’t great either.

I threw positive feedback into the success amnesia abyss and made sure I never acknowledged it.

Wearing armor during meetings didn't help my relationship with managers as it created communication barriers.

I saw this rift most often when there was a conflict or misunderstanding of what to do next for an ambiguous project. My armor prevented me from extending and receiving help from my manager.

I felt like I would be offending them if I asked them if they wanted me to explain what I was doing when I thought they needed help.

Or a sign of weakness or ability if I needed clarification of what was expected. So I left it to chance on what would happen next.

We both needed help connecting but my insecurities and assumed fears prevented me from allowing it.

🦁The Reality - Your manager isn’t an expert on you

A good manager might be skilled at their job but that doesn’t mean they’re skilled at knowing you. They need your help to create a connection. Both of you need to learn to be vulnerable.

Brene Brown says, "Vulnerability is the emotion we experience during times of uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure." - Dare to Lead

When you are vulnerable with someone repeatedly over time, trust and understanding grow. You gain insight into how the other thinks and what they need. A bond forms, rooted in your shared experiences of openness.

If you're neurodiverse, however, typical communication rules may not apply. Expectations around eye contact or fidgeting while listening may not fit your needs.

Your brain has its own language for connecting. Your manager may be unaware.

By courageously sharing your needs, you teach your manager your language. This invites them to be vulnerable and share theirs too.

Through ongoing vulnerable exchanges, you help each other learn how to communicate in a way that allows you both to feel seen, heard and understood.

🦁The Action - Listening and Speaking Strategies for 1 on 1s

Here are a few of my favorite strategies that help you connect with your manager or others. You’ll notice none of them require you to disclose your diagnosis.

They’re small etiquette actions that can make a big difference with your emotions and actions while talking.

Listening

• Set your meeting time based on when you’re most focused and alert.

  • 1-on-1s require a lot of emotional and cognitive effort. Make sure you’re showing up in your best shape.

  • The time of day can make a big difference for people with ADHD due to things like delayed sleep syndrome or when you take your medication.

• Start your meeting by informing the other person of your concentration behaviors.

  • Examples:

    • When I look away or close my eyes, it means I’m deeply listening and thinking about what you’re saying, I’m not disinterested. I’m processing.

    • As we are speaking, I am taking notes on another screen. These notes help me concentrate on what you’re saying and help us agree on action items at the end.

    • Instead of trying to hide or be ashamed of your listening behaviors, do them and let the other person know you’re doing it because you care.

Speaking

• For times you get flustered or are unsure how to say what to say, use the phrase “My intent is…”

  • “Intent” reduces your speaking anxiety by making it less about you and more about the action you are driving.

  • You can use this technique at the beginning or during a meeting to provide context or clarify confusion.

  • Providing context is essential to convey information effectively. This tip is especially useful for those who tend to ramble (like me).

• Instead of saying “no” I say “I disagree…because…”

  • Disagree invites discussion and allows you to point out the specific part of what you don’t agree with and share why. It encourages continued discussion while no is seen as an end.

✨Conclusion

Launching Common Ritual Whiskey taught me to be vulnerable and shed my armor.

My “manager” now is the CEO, one of my best friends. At first, his calls panicked me - I feared messing up or getting kicked out.

This fear prevented proposing ideas or connecting with the team fully. It hurt my productivity.

I learned I had to release my emotional armor and fear to be a good partner. I began sharing how I prefer to communicate and learning their styles too.

Choosing courage helped us all improve. True partnerships, especially with your manager, require openness, not defenses. The rewards are deeper trust and performance that unlock each person's potential.

🐼Want to talk to me privately about your ADHD struggles?

⏭️Next Week

Optimizing Your Environment for Peak ADHD Performance.