#58📅 Being Seen and Heard: ADHD-Friendly Tactics for Product Managers

How sending and asking for meeting agendas help you be a feel less invisible at work.

Welcome to Tech Atypically 👋, your weekly blog for navigating the challenges of ADHD and being in the tech industry.

I am a coach who specializes in ADHD and product management, and I help you change one belief and take one action each week.

Part 1 of the Performance and Productivity series.

🐼Tackle your challenges of working in tech and having ADHD with me

🦋The Takeaways

The belief: Others might view my communication preferences as bothersome or trivial.

The reality: Communicating my expectations encourages others to share their own.

The action: Send and ask for meeting agendas at work.

⭐Series Introduction

Welcome to my new series called “Performance and Productivity in the Jungle called “Workplace”. This new series is about embracing your authentic self to enhance performance at work. Over the upcoming weeks, I'll explore topics like:

• Workplace Communication (starting today!)

• Handling Feedback with Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria

• Navigating Performance Improvement Plans

• Staying Focused in Meetings

• Redefining and Achieving Productivity

• Strategies for Getting Promoted

I was inspired to choose this topic amidst a well-known, jungle-themed tech company's talent review season – a stressful period of judgments and performance evaluations for everyone, ADHD or not.

I aim to offer a collection of stories and strategies that help you navigate the complex terrain of office politics and reviews, with an ADHD-friendly approach.

⭐Introduction - Being Seen and Heard

If you have ADHD, you’ve probably said something to someone else that you shouldn’t have. Overcome with an impulse you can’t control, you blurt it out, offend someone, and then carry the shame forever.

I wasn’t trying to be a bad person, I thought I was being honest. Being honest doesn’t mean the other person can’t be offended though.

What’s an ADHD person to do? You hide yourself. You mask who you are and sometimes it works. Other times, you end up feeling invisible and miserable.

Today, I'm focusing on the importance of bringing your whole self to work. This doesn't mean disclosing your ADHD; it means having the courage to communicate your needs and set boundaries, fostering meaningful work relationships.

I’m introducing design consistency for my posts going forward. It’s almost like a professional writer.

📅The Belief - My needs annoy others

I have this belief that sharing what I need with others is not worth their effort.

It stems from my sense of self-worth which makes me believe sometimes my mere existence is a burden on everyone around me, including my loved ones.

I’ve written about my past struggles with suicide and I think much of that struggle stemmed from my belief I’m not worthy to exist. If I’m not worthy to exist, then I should assume anything I say or want will bother others.

Those beliefs set the base for my social anxiety. The feeling that I’m going to offend, annoy, insult, or bother the next person I talk to. The feeling that I can’t share myself because I am flawed and sharing myself is only hurtful to everyone involved.

I’m not alone in my social anxiety. Social anxiety isn't uncommon in the ADHD community – up to 12% of adults with ADHD experience it. (source).

If you’re afraid of talking to your manager or others, it’s not you being “bad with people”. It could be part of your neurodiversity and that’s ok.

While it's true that expressing needs might bother some, more often than not, it leads to a more authentic interaction.

📅The Reality - Sharing my needs invites them to share theirs

By sharing your expectations and boundaries, you encourage others to do the same. This builds trust and consistency in your interactions. For those with ADHD or emotional dysregulation, this clarity can prevent misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

For example, I remember I talked to a sales rep from a company we were looking to buy software from on the phone a few times. We had great rapport and interactions on the phone. When I met them in person, I was cold and aloof.

I’m not sure why. Maybe I was having a bad day or my social anxiety was higher being in person with them versus the phone. This was before I was diagnosed ADHD so who know what was going on.

Regardless of the reason, they were probably confused about why I acted so differently than in the previous interactions.

Had I had the courage and self-awareness to say, “hey, I’m sorry I’m a little off today and not going to be as cheerful as our phone calls but I’m still happy to meet you” they would have probably been more understanding and less confused by their interaction with me.

My invitation of empathy may have also invited them to share what they were going through. Maybe it would have saved me from a memory I’ve carried with guilt and shame since then.

It’s easy to hate on meetings but what if you made them better instead?

📅The Action - Set a boundary for yourself and others

Here’s my favorite boundary to help you be better seen and heard at work.

• Send and attend meetings with agendas. (as best you can)

Here’s how meeting agendas help me, and my ADHD be better at my job and feel more seen and heard at work.

• Agendas reduce my anxiety and perfectionism fears by letting me know what I need to prepare for in the meeting. Removing my fear that I may look dumb if I don’t know the answers for the meeting.

• Agendas remove my default fear and anxiety that "I’m in trouble” whenever someone reaches out with no context.

• Agendas help me context switch by reminding me why I sent the invite or accepted the invite.

• Meeting agendas help me escape the ADHD trap of always saying yes to whatever is in front of me by prioritizing whether the meeting or something else is more important.

  • If I have to decline a meeting, I can clearly state why and what took priority to the other person.

• Agendas help me reduce my rejection sensitivity dysphoria and increase my confidence when reaching out to senior leaders.

  • Agendas make it clear what I want from them and a chance for them to give me a clear reason why they can or can’t attend. Instead of a blank rejection and making me spiral with self-inflicted shame.

Sending and expecting meeting agendas don’t annoy people; they help. They lay the groundwork for clear communication. Allowing everyone involved to express their intentions in a way everyone feels acknowledged and understood.

**Note - I’ll go over how to run more effective meetings in a future issue.

• Here’s an agenda framework you can use in your next meeting invite.

  • Topics (in order if you can).

  • Background info and how it relates to the attendees.

  • Links to docs or visuals if you have any.

  • Desired outcomes or decisions.

✨Conclusion

Boundaries are your way of letting others see and hear the real you. They're an open call for everyone, including ourselves, to be authentic and upfront about our needs.

Yes, it can seem intimidating. It's about taking that necessary step to reveal your true self and your genuine needs. There's a risk involved - you might face rejection, disappointment, or the hurt of strained relationships.

However, this potential discomfort pales in comparison to the daily pain of feeling unseen and unheard, both by yourself and in the workplace.

Choose courage next time you get a meeting invite; ask for an agenda. It's a small but significant way to start being seen in the workplace.

🐼Want to talk to me privately about your ADHD struggles?

⏭️Next Week

ADHD and Feedback: Navigating Rejection Sensitivity in the Workplace