#50💀 Burnout - Suicide and Suicidal Ideation

How getting diagnosed with ADHD may have saved my life.

Welcome to Tech Atypically 👋, your weekly blog for navigating the challenges of ADHD and being in the tech industry.

Part 5 of the Coping with Burnout series.

🌋Takeaways

• Current research shows those with ADHD have a higher rate of premature death, anxiety, and suicide when compared to neurotypical peers.

• My thoughts of suicide aren’t normal and something everyone else struggles with.

• My thoughts of suicide stem from a desire to escape situations I feel helpless in; I don’t actually want to die.

• The enormity of my feelings often does not align with the reality of the situation.

• What do we say to the god of death? Not today.

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⭐Introduction

Today, Nov 8th, 2023 marks one year of the blog. Instead of writing a celebration post with a reflection, I want to discuss my biggest struggle with ADHD; suicide and suicidal ideation.

I share my experiences to let you know you’re not alone. Many of us struggle with it and thrive. Some of us aren’t so lucky and that’s the reality we have to acknowledge.

So strap in while I dive into my deepest struggle and remember my big takeaway.

Yep, I’m going to use a meme to talk about suicide.

💀The statistics of ADHD death

Current research shows those with ADHD have a higher rate of premature death, anxiety, and suicide when compared to neurotypical peers. That’s not a superpower, it’s a tragedy.

• ADHD is “associated with elevated morbidity and mortality” due to comorbidities with other psychiatric disorders including risky behavior and substance abuse. (source)

  

  Here’s a list of some of the disorders with positive correlations: Smoking, substance use disorders, impaired sleep, obesity, hypertension, suicide attempts, and lethal or completed attempt

• One Canadian ADHD research study found:

  • 1 out of 4 women with ADHD reported having attempted suicide.

  • Adults with ADHD in general are five times more likely to attempt suicide than their neurotypical peers (14% vs. 2.7%).

  • Anxiety disorders show… a prevalence of 47% in adults with ADHD, in comparison to 20% among adults without ADHD.

  • Source and the original study.

• Accidents kill people with ADHD at a higher rate than their normal peers.

  • People with ADHD have“a lower life expectancy and are more than twice as likely to die prematurely as those without the disorder” mainly due to a higher incidence of accidents. (source)

ADHD is a disorder that can lead to adverse outcomes without proper treatment and care. The inattention or laziness others see masks the battle you have inside to live.

It’s often fought alone but it doesn’t have to be that way.

💀My journey with suicide

I’ve struggled with suicidal ideation since my first year of college. It’s the year I moved out and the year I told my mom I wasn’t going to be a doctor. I shattered the dream she’s had for me since I was born.

I had escaped the dream that had been forced upon me but I couldn’t escape the shame and pain from my family.

• I learned my family’s love was conditional and I had broken it.

• My mom could only express disappointment in me

• Other family members shunned me.

• I felt trapped and hopeless.

• What is the point of going on?

• Killing myself would set me free.

This created a cycle of hopeless and suicidal ideation that I would carry into the rest of my adult life.

💀Therapy and being a child of an immigrant

My first year of college was also the first time I went to therapy.

I feel immensely lucky I knew to go to therapy and had access to it. Mental health is not something my parents, Thai immigrants, ever discussed or valued.

Their approach to mental health was “stop thinking about it” or “working will make it go away”.

Thoughts of suicide, also called “suicidal ideation” were my first motivation to go to therapy and continued as a theme.

My suicidal ideation was the worst when I was physically injured and couldn’t exercise and when faced with big life changes.

The thoughts would come, I would go to therapy, do some other random stuff, and they’d get quiet again. I always knew they’d come back at some point.

This cycle continued for so long that I had made peace that thinking about killing myself was normal. “Everyone felt this way at some point”, I told myself.

I was wrong. My suicide cycle would be broken when I was diagnosed with ADHD.

This is me in case you’ve never seen a picture before.

💀Breaking my cycle of suicidal ideation

I was diagnosed with ADHD in 2020 after 17 years of individual therapy. I mention that because it was our marriage therapist who suggested I get tested for ADHD. (You’d think one of my therapists in 17 years would have caught it, right?)

Learning I had ADHD gave me a new language and perspective to understand my feelings and behaviors. I thought I was really bad at life because everything was so hard.

It turns out, I was just reading the wrong instruction manual for it.

My ADHD diagnosis broke my cycle of suicidal ideation because of 3 personal insights.

1. My thoughts of suicide aren’t normal and something everyone else struggles with. ADHD has tangible negative impacts on my life and I need to recognize that. It also means I can choose to treat the symptoms accordingly.

   1. Example- I don’t fuck around when it comes to my ADHD care. I see a primary care doctor, therapist, psychiatrist, massage, ADHD coach and have a regular wellness routine

2. My thoughts of suicide stem from a desire to escape situations I feel helpless in; I don’t actually want to die. It’s a mechanism for emotional avoidance and processing. I’d rather flee than face conflict or truth.

   1. Example - When I have suicidal thoughts, I recognize it as a signal that I am trying to avoid confronting something. I remind myself to have the courage to confront the true challenge.

3. The enormity of my feelings often does not align with the reality of the situation. There’s often a disconnect between what I tell myself or believe and reality. I can choose to live in a perceived reality or seek the truth.

   1. Example - Did my friends really stop talking to me because I did bad photography for them? Nope, turns out they were still thinking of me but just hadn’t reached out. I reached out and found love instead of continuing to live with self-imposed shame.

✨Conclusion

I firmly believe that my ADHD diagnosis saved me from a lifetime of more pain and maybe an early death. I’ve struggled with suicidal thoughts for so long that I thought there was nothing to do about it.

Its pain was an ingrained part of life. Instead, I learned it was an ingrained part of my ADHD.

I learned I don’t want to die. I don’t want you to die. If you think you might have ADHD or other disorders but have never been tested, I encourage you to find a provider today.

Take the first step to what could be life-saving. Maybe for you, maybe for a loved one.

If you or a loved one is struggling with thoughts of suicide, visit: Crisis Connections.

And remember,

What do we say to the god of death?

Not today.

-Game of Thrones

Happy 1 year to Tech Atypically and thanks for being a reader.

🐼Have a question about ADHD or struggling in your career?

⏭️Next Week

Confronting fears in searching for a new job.