#56📢 Burnout - Understanding What You Control
Learning how to break your tunnel vision of what you can and can't control when you're burned out.
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I’m an ADHD and product management coach helping you feel a little more comfortable with your life by oversharing mine.
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🦋The Takeaways
The belief: I have no control over the world around me.
The reality: There are certain things I gave up control over that I can take back.
The action: Identify one thing in your life where you can begin taking the power back from.
⭐Introduction
I am back after a much-needed holiday break. I had a great time with my family but came home with a respiratory virus.
Between the constant coughing and muscle pain, I haven’t been sleeping much. I feel like crap but I chose to write today the last 3 days.
I mention this because it relates to today’s topic of control. When faced with overwhelming circumstances it’s easy to lose sight of what you have control over.
You become so fixated on external things you can’t control that you forget change starts internally. Change starts with you, and that’s something you always have control over.
📢The Belief - I have no control
When you’re burned out, it can feel like you have no control over the world around you.
Too many things are happening to you and at some point, you give up trying to manage it all. You surrender to the situation and make decisions from a helpless bystander mindset. This mindset limits you to only a few options which are often not the right solution.
You become fixated on a reality you don’t want but, continue to perpetuate. It sucks.
📢Example - Living with an in-law
I’ve lived with an in-law (IL) for the last 5 years. They’re a wonderful person who has provided us with childcare since our daughter was born. It only costs us regular purchases of eggs, barrel-aged stouts, and pretzels.
It’s cheap when you consider a nanny in Seattle is easily over $2k a month.
The emotional cost I pay is I live with an in-law—an adult with their own life, food, and childrearing opinions.
For the most part, we get along but for the times we don’t get along, I bury my opinion and my feelings. My ADHD is good and burying feelings and saving them for a stormy day.
Disagree with our opinion of hip-hop music. Bury it. (I love hip-hop)
Disagree with how Thanksgiving turkey should taste. Bury it.
Disagree with communicating and disciplining my daughter. Bury it.
I would bury these things until one day I would explode and get angry or say something mean. My ADHD would ensure it always at the worst time and over the dumbest thing.
I’d let it out, feel great about it for a second then immediately feel guilty for being mean. Then the negative cycle would begin again.
Neither one of us would be comfortable with one another because we never really communicated. I gave up and resigned myself to wait it out until their next vacation from us.
📢The Reality - You gave up control
This cycle continued until about 3 months ago when my neighbor and life Yoda, J, said something that would reinstate my sense of control.
While talking over pizza and beer about my cycle with my IL, they called me out for playing the victim in the situation and surrendering my power.
“Have you tried directly telling your IL what you want?” No.
“Have you tried setting expectations of what you need from them?” No.
“Nothing’s changed because you’ve resisted confronting the real issue: To feel heard and be able to say what you need and feel.”
“What resists persists.”
I was floored by the realization. I had full control over my negative cycle but in not wanting to confront it, I had given it all of the control.
📢The Action - What are you resisting?
If you’re struggling with burnout, you’re probably resisting something.
Maybe you’re resisting making time for yourself to work out or do that class you always wanted.
Maybe you’re resisting the idea that you’re experiencing burnout because you need to keep the job to maintain your visa. (Shoutout to all my immigrant readers)
Maybe you’re telling yourself it’s normal to be fatigued and dread going to work in the morning.
My mom used to tell me it’s good to work long hours, it shows your boss you’re working hard. Maybe you’re resisting the idea that my mom was wrong.
Take a moment to think about one thing you’d like to do if you weren’t burnt out.
What’s the first thing that comes to mind that stops you from doing that thing?
Why do you feel like you have no power to change or stop that thing?
Where did that power go?
What would happen if you took that power back?
What if you had the power all along?
Burnout is often a mix of internal and external factors. It can be hard to untangle the web it created. However, when you can find a single thread to start pulling on, you can begin to get to where you want to be.
✨Conclusion
I’ve been coughing and feeling like crap this week. I was supposed to do my annual planning for my whiskey and coaching businesses.
I recognize have limited control over getting better. I saw the doctor, got meds, slept, and played over 10 hours of Dave the Diver.
I did have control some control over doing work. I didn’t do my annual planning. I let go of that guilt and the power it would normally hold over me.
I did write my newsletter though. I wrote it because it makes me happy.
When you feel at your worst, remember you always have the power to act in ways that bring you joy.
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⏭️Next Week
Why changing jobs isn’t always the answer and closure of the Burnout series.