#104🧠 The Context Trap: Why Smart People Struggle to Ask for Help
How to Identify What Support You Need When You're Overwhelmed
Welcome to Tech Atypically 👋, your weekly blog for navigating the challenges of ADHD and being in the tech industry.
I am an ADHD and product management coach, helping you change one belief and take one action each week.
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Part 3 of the Inclusive Performance Series
🦋The Takeaways
Belief: I should know what help I need before asking for it.
Reality: Lack of context often paralyzes you from seeking the support you need.
Action: Use a framework to identify support needs even when you're in "overwhelm amnesia."
⭐️Introduction
Welcome to Part 3 of our Inclusive Performance Coaching series. This week, I'm exploring something that happened to me recently: my company offered coaching as a benefit, I signed up, and then... I had no idea what to do with it. I was overwhelmed by thinking about what “goals” I should have.
I sat down with my fellow Tech Atypically coaches Rupert Dallas and Michael Asaku-Yeboah to figure out why I was struggling to use coaching. I’m a coach, shouldn’t I know how to use a coach? What I discovered was something Rupert called "the context problem" - and it's particularly challenging for neurodivergent professionals.
If you've ever found yourself paralyzed by having access to help but not knowing how to use it, this one's for you.
😵💫The Belief - I Should Know What I Need
My company provides coaching and therapy as a standard employee benefit. I signed up for a coach who specializes in ADHD. Sounds perfect, right?
But then I hit a wall. I couldn't figure out what goal to work on with the coach. I thought of a bunch of different things, but none of them seemed to be the “right” goals.
After running through endless possibilities, I found myself thinking: "I don't know what I need help with, so I shouldn't ask for help."
This is what I call "overwhelm amnesia" - that ADHD experience where you know you need support, but suddenly can't access what specifically you're struggling with. My brain goes blank, and I end up not using resources that could actually help.
The underlying belief is that I should have enough context and self-awareness to clearly articulate my needs before seeking support. If I can't do that, I don’t deserve help. I deserve a big fat “should” that keeps me in paralysis.
🤝The Reality - Context Is Everything, and You Can't Get It Alone
"This comes down to an issue of context," Rupert explained. "You mentioned you don't know what you don't know. Asking for help or knowing who to ask for support is a measure of context."
He gave me a perfect analogy: "You're new and you're walking around a 50-floor office building with two lunchrooms. Who do you ask for directions - an employee, your manager, HR, or do you read the handbook?"
The answer depends entirely on the context you don't have yet. And that's the trap - you need context to know what help to ask for, but you often need help to get that context.
For neurodivergent professionals, this challenge is amplified. As Michael pointed out, when we're overwhelmed, we often need help understanding not just what we need, but how our brain differences affect what kinds of support will work.
The reality is that smart, capable people struggle to ask for help, not because they're not smart enough, but because they lack the contextual framework to even know what questions to ask.
🛠️The Action - A Framework for Identifying Support Needs
Based on our conversation, here's a framework for breaking out of the context trap:
1. Start with what's bothering you, not what you need
Instead of trying to identify what help you need, start with what's creating friction in your day. For me, it was: "I feel guilty when I don't meet self-imposed deadlines, even when the actual deadline is flexible."
Don't worry about whether it's a "coaching issue" or "manager issue" yet - just name the friction. Write it down if that helps you externalize the feeling.
2. Map the support landscape before you need it
Create a mental map of your support options when you're not in crisis mode:
Manager: Best for role expectations, priorities, performance feedback, and career guidance
Coach: Best for behavioral patterns, skill development, personal effectiveness, and mindset shifts
Peers: Best for tactical advice, "how things really work here," and navigating company culture
HR/EAP: Best for accommodations, policy questions, benefits, and crisis support
Keep this framework somewhere accessible for when overwhelm amnesia hits.
3. Test your assumptions with low-stakes exploration
As Michael suggested, use early coaching sessions to understand what the coach can help with. Try these conversation starters:
"In your experience, what kinds of workplace challenges do you typically help people navigate?"
"How do you usually work with people who have ADHD in professional settings?"
"What's the difference between what you can help with versus what I should discuss with my manager?"
This gives you context about their expertise without committing to a specific problem or revealing more than you're comfortable with.
4. Embrace the intersectional approach for complex issues
Michael emphasized that real challenges often require an "intersectional approach" rather than quick fixes. My timeline guilt isn't just about time management - it connects to perfectionism, ADHD rejection sensitivity, and past workplace trauma.
For complex issues, look for supporters who can help you understand how different aspects of your identity and experience intersect. A good coach will help you see these connections rather than offering surface-level solutions.
5. Practice the "friction-to-support" translation
Once you've identified friction, practice translating it into support needs allows you to ask safely for help:
"I'm overwhelmed by competing priorities" → Manager conversation about priority-setting on a regular basis
"I keep procrastinating on important tasks" → Coaching conversation about behavioral patterns
"I don't understand the promotion process" → HR conversation about career pathways
"I'm struggling with a difficult teammate" → Could be coaching (communication skills) or manager (team dynamics)
6. Create a "support decision tree"
When facing a new challenge, ask yourself:
Is this about unclear expectations or feedback? → Manager
Is this about changing patterns or building skills? → Coach
Is this about company policies or accommodations? → HR
Is this about practical tactics or cultural navigation? → Trusted peer
Having a decision tree reduces the cognitive load when you're already overwhelmed.
✨Conclusion
The context trap keeps many of us from accessing support that could genuinely help. We think we need to have it all figured out before we can ask for help, but the opposite is often true - we need help to figure it out. No one does things alone, no matter your performance rating or work level.
For neurodivergent professionals, especially, remember that your brain works differently. The support you need might not look like what everyone else needs, and that's exactly when you most need thoughtful, personalized approaches.
In the end, I did figure out a goal for the coach. I chose to discuss how to be less stressed by my professional responsibilities. Turns out I was “shoulding” myself into thinking I could live up to my unrealistic expectations. And the context I was missing was that I set those expectations, which means I have the power to change them. Maybe I’ll do that tomorrow…#ADHD
Have you experienced the context trap with workplace support? What helped you break through it?
⏭️Next Week
Tips for being more successful at your job search and interview process.