#97🧩 Finding Joy in the Parts of You Others Carry

Overcoming ADHD Memory Challenges by Asking Others What They Remember of You

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I am an ADHD and product management coach helping you change one belief and take one action each week.

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Part 11 of the Finding Happiness Series

🦋The Takeaways

Belief: My impact is minimal because I can't remember what I did.

Reality: Parts of us live in others' memories, creating connections beyond what we can recall.

Action: Ask others about your impact to build a complete picture of your impact.

⭐️Introduction

I was recently having lunch with a friend, and we found ourselves sharing memories of people in our lives. He had key memories of me that I don’t remember, and I have of him.

This got me thinking about memory and connection. As someone with ADHD, I forget things all the time. Ask me what impact I've had at work or in the world, and my first response is often "I didn't do anything.” Whatever value others may perceive of me is a fluke.

Yet the reality is much different.

Today, I want to explore how finding happiness might not be about what we remember doing, but about rediscovering the parts of ourselves we've left with others.

I can’t control the prices of everything going up tomorrow, but I can be kind to the person in front of me.

😵‍💫The Belief - My Impact Is Minimal

I often find myself thinking I haven't done anything significant in my life or career. A big part of it, I can’t remember what I’ve done, so I’m only left with my beliefs.

I often believe I'm not a good enough friend, colleague, or parent. There's this nagging feeling that people only keep me around because they have nothing better going on. Or maybe it’s a fluke and they’ll figure out their mistake soon. I worry that my contributions are forgettable or easily replaceable by someone else.

This belief is reinforced each time I update my resume or get ready for a job interview. “What impact did I have? Nothing. Everything I do is ordinary, at best. So there's nothing to remember. I don’t deserve this job.”

Mix in some cultural expectations (in my case, being Asian), of self-worth being tied to material outcome and output, and you have a recipe for self-loathing, shame, and insecurity.

This voice is exhausting to fight alone. And when your memory doesn't help you counter it, the voice saying I didn’t do anything is overwhelming.

🤝The Reality - We Keep Pieces of Others For Each Other

The reality is that I have had a successful career across multiple domains. I’ve worked in academia, Tech, and as an ADHD coach. As I’ve done these things, I've deposited pieces of myself with hundreds of people throughout my career.

What I learned from talking to my friend about memory is that I don't have to answer the question "Who am I?" or "What have I done?" by myself. I can depend on others.

With every person I meet, coach, or read this newsletter, I deposit a little of myself with them. And every time someone leaves a comment or shares their story with me, they deposit a piece of themselves with me.

This constant exchange means that we're never truly alone. Parts of us exist in the minds and hearts of others, sometimes in ways we could never imagine or remember ourselves.

When I doubt my worth as a father, my wife and daughter will tell a very different story about me. When I question my professional contributions, colleagues can remind me of times I made a difference that I've since forgotten.

We all keep a little bit of each other, for each other, whether we realize it or not.

When I was a photographer my clients gave me a piece of themselves so I could make a memory for them.

🛠️The Action - Create Memory Intentionally

Here's how to embrace give and get a little piece of yourself with others:

1. Ask others what they remember

   1. When updating my resume recently, I asked colleagues: "What's the most memorable thing I did for you at work?" and "How did I help make your day better?" Their answers provided information I could never have accessed through my memories.

   2. Don't be afraid to ask similar questions in personal relationships. You might be surprised at the moments others treasure that you've forgotten completely.

2. Create explicit invitations for connection

   1. There's a small group of people in my life for whom I'll drop whatever I'm doing to be there. It’s an invitation that lets them know how much they mean to me. I hope they never have to use it, but I want them to know it’s there.

   2. Creating these explicit invitations can feel vulnerable. They might not respond in kind or might not say anything at all. But it's important to share these feelings because they might be struggling with the same doubts.

3. Recognize that the collective memory is stronger than your own

   1. When ADHD memory fails you, remember that you have an extended memory network in the people around you. Your impact and worth aren't limited to what you can personally recall.

   2. This perspective shift turns a potential weakness into a strength - your connections with others become an extension of your memory, creating a more complete picture of who you are and what you've contributed.

✨Conclusion

Finding happiness isn't a solo journey. The next time that voice says you haven't done enough, remember that your impact lives beyond your personal recollection. We exchange pieces of ourselves in every interaction, and parts of you continue to affect others in ways you might never know.

I hope my friend never gets that lunch. I think I’ll send him this newsletter so he’ll remember it. What memory do you think you’ll make this week with someone?

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⏭️Next Week

A collaboration piece on how to be more authentic when interviewing for a job.