#96🌞 The Hidden Loneliness of ADHD and Working in Tech

Creating Invitations to Connect to Share Joy

Welcome to Tech Atypically 👋, your weekly blog for navigating the challenges of ADHD and being in the tech industry.

I am an ADHD and product management coach helping you change one belief and take one action each week.

🐼Do you work in Tech and are tired of struggling? Get ADHD and job skill coaching with Tech Atypically.

Part 10 of the Finding Happiness Series

🦋The Takeaways

Belief: I am alone in my struggles, and there's nothing I can do about it.

Reality: People are ready and waiting to be there for me.

Action: Create invitations to address loneliness - both for myself and others.

⭐️Introduction

Today's newsletter is about loneliness.

A recent conversation with a close friend who is a tech executive taught me something unexpected about loneliness. They shared how isolating it can feel to be a senior leader, despite being surrounded by people all day. I was genuinely surprised - I had assumed that someone managing hundreds of people would feel constantly connected.

I also assumed that power equates to connection. How could someone with power be lonely when they could force someone to talk to them?

But it made me realize something important. You can be in meetings all day. Surrounded by subordinates, power, and wealth. And yet you can still feel profoundly alone when you can't be your authentic self, express your fears, or simply ask for what you need.

This got me thinking about the loneliness that comes with my ADHD and how I often isolate myself in my struggles. As I continue this series on finding happiness and contentment, I've realized that true joy is nearly impossible without meaningful connection.

I keep telling myself the lie that I'm alone, and this prevents me from seeing the many people who are actually around me, ready to connect.

I’m only 4 days late instead of 3 weeks with the newsletter this week. hurrah.

😵‍💫The Belief - I Am Uniquely Broken and Alone

There's a lie I tell myself with my ADHD: I am the only one experiencing these struggles. I am uniquely broken. I am fundamentally alone because I deserve it for being flawed.

I used to think I was defective because I constantly screwed up at things that seem "normal" for others. My inability to practice consistent grammar and my tendency to flip letters and skip words felt like evidence of my brokenness.

This isolation intensifies in professional settings. Whether you're an executive hiding vulnerabilities or a product manager masking ADHD traits, the performance is exhausting, and the loneliness is real.

When a manager from a partner team once called out my grammar mistakes in a work newsletter, accusing me of not trying hard enough, I felt overwhelming shame. Instead of asking others for help, I struggled harder alone, only deepening my isolation.

The weight of feeling like I'm the only one struggling while everyone else has it together creates a barrier that's hard to break through. I end up caught in a cycle of shame and silence.

🤝The Reality - I Am One of Many

The reality is much more comforting: countless people are going through similar struggles as you right now. You are not alone.

When I learned that my "constant screw-ups" were common ADHD symptoms, I didn't feel so alone anymore. When I discovered that my reading difficulties were likely related to dyslexia, which affects up to 50% of people with ADHD (source), suddenly I wasn't broken – I was part of a community.

There's immense power in putting language to my challenges and realizing I'm not alone. For the estimated 8% of children in the world with ADHD, knowing that 50% of them have at least one learning disability means I share this trait with millions of others. How could I possibly feel alone?

Whether you're an executive navigating leadership isolation or someone with ADHD feeling different from everyone around you, the truth is that others understand your experience more than you realize. You’re not alone.

There are people ready and waiting to connect. You just have to invite them in.

Here’s me connecting with other product managers at a Lenny’s Newsletter Meetup. I’m behind the camera in case you were looking for me.

🛠️The Action - Create Invitations to Connect and Fill the Spaces of Loneliness

Here are three strategies to address loneliness by creating invitations for yourself and others.

Practice a Random Act of Gratitude With No Expectations

• Send a genuine message of encouragement to someone and let them know you don’t expect a response. Something as simple as "No Response Needed: You're doing great. Everyone is cheering for you. Keep going."

  • The no response needed lets them know this act if just for them. You’re not looking for anything. You just wanted them to know you care.

  • The message invites them to hear another voice besides their internal critic. It holds space for the loneliness or doubt that would hold otherwise

• I did this with a new manager, who had joined the company and was immediately pushed into a stretch role. I think they responded well because they’ve continued to lean on me as a trusted partner.

Schedule Dedicated Connection Time

• Set up monthly check-ins with close friends or loved ones. Even if I'm not feeling particularly lonely when the meeting comes around, having that dedicated space allows me to invite others to connect.

• I've found that having these regular connections helps quiet the voice of anxiety and loneliness because I'm filling that space with the energy of people who care about me (and whom I care about).

  • Key ADHD part: It creates a reliable invitation for authentic connection that I don’t have to remember to schedule

✨Conclusion

I'm grateful for my executive friend who shared their story of loneliness with me. That moment of vulnerability created a connection that transcended our different roles in the corporate hierarchy. You’d be surprised how far a random act of gratitude or kindness goes in today’s world of layoff fears.

It’s allowed me to connect with other leaders and work colleagues in new ways.

It reminded me that no matter who you are or what title you hold, everybody needs connection. In the end, we are just:

“People, people, people are just people, people, people.” - Brene Brown

And all people could benefit from a reminder that they’re not alone.

🐼Get ADHD coaching for the job, behavioral challenges, and executive communication all in one place.

⏭️Next Week

Carrying a piece of others’ stories while others do the same for us.