#93💌 When Grief Meets Love: Finding Joy After Loss
Learning to Accept Happiness When Those We Love Can't Share It
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Part 6 of the Finding Happiness Series
🦋The Takeaways
Belief: You can't accept happiness due to the grief from loved ones passed away.
Reality: The depth of your grief reflects the magnitude of your love.
Action: Create space to imagine sharing your joy with those you've lost.
⭐️Introduction
In your journey to find happiness, you often encounter unexpected barriers. A commonly overlooked barrier that nearly all of us will face is losing someone we love.
Recently, while working with a client on their path to happiness, I uncovered something profound about grief and joy. They struggled to fully accept their current achievements due in large part to someone dear to them being gone. They were constantly thinking, "I wish my father could see me now." This hit close to home. Having lost my biological father at 14 and my stepfather at 23, I intimately understand the weight of wanting to share life's achievements with those who can't be here to see it.
Because grief and acceptance are beyond my expertise as an ADHD coach, I invited Dr. Megan Shen to share her insights. As a social psychologist, researcher, and Associate Professor at Fred Hutchinson Cancer Center, Dr. Shen specializes in helping people navigate grief and find meaning during life's most challenging transitions. Her expertise in grief counseling offers us valuable perspectives on accepting happiness after loss.
What I discovered wasn't just about loss – it was about love.
😵💫The Belief - Joy Feels Incomplete Without Them
When you achieve something meaningful or find happiness, there's often a shadow of grief, especially if someone important to you is now gone. For my client, it wasn't about proving their father wrong or showing how successful they'd become. Instead, as Dr. Shen explains, "grief is the shadow of love, meaning that the size and enormity of grief experienced is almost a complete direct tie to the amount of love."
You might resist fully embracing joy because it feels incomplete without sharing it with those you've lost. Each achievement, each happy moment, carries the weight of "I wish they could see this."
🤝The Reality - Love Continues Through Grief
"To have the full benefit of the love, you have to also grieve," Dr. Shen shares. She notes that grief and loss can, counterintuitively, enhance our ability to experience joy: "People who lose a loved one are suddenly like, 'wow, all these things are around me that are amazing that I took for granted.'"
The pain you feel isn't just about loss – it's a reflection of the love you had and that still remains. When you understand this, you can begin to see your grief not as an obstacle to happiness, but as a testament to the depth of your connections.
🛠️The Action - Creating Conversations of Joy
Dr. Shen suggests practicing "engaging in conversations with the person that you lost as a way to process through the grief." Here's how you can start:
1. Allow yourself to imagine
Create a space where you can imagine sharing your achievements and joy. What would they say? How would they react? As Dr. Shen describes, "What would it feel like to hear what they would probably have to say to me, like being proud of me or accepting me?"
2. Engage all your senses
"It's more about orienting to senses," Dr. Shen explains. "What would they say? What would they maybe look like? What would be their non-verbals to you? Maybe they would give you a hug, maybe they would give you a look of reassurance."
3. Write letters or have conversations
Start with "catch-up" moments: "Hey Dad, I just wanted you to know, since you've been gone, here are all the things that have happened that I'm really proud of and I wanted to share that with you."
✨Conclusion
Accepting happiness after loss isn't betraying your grief – it's honoring the love that created it. When you understand that grief and love are companions, not opponents, you can begin to see your joy as something your loved ones would want to celebrate with you.
As Dr. Shen reminds us, the size of your grief reflects the magnitude of your love. By allowing yourself to imagine sharing your happiness with those you've lost, you keep that love alive while creating space for new joy.
The next time you achieve something meaningful or find a moment of happiness, try sharing it with those you've lost. Their physical absence doesn't diminish their love or pride – it just takes a different form.
If you enjoyed this topic, you can find more of Dr. Shen's work at her substack Light in the Wound.
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⏭️Next Week
Dr Megan and I discuss contentment vs happiness.
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