#86 ๐ When Life Gives You More Time: Learning to Accept Unexpected Gifts
A reflection on how to just accept the f'ing kindness and joy
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Part 13 of the Self-Care Series
๐ฆThe Takeaways
Belief: I don't deserve to be happy; struggle is my default state.
Reality: I am worthy of giving, accepting, and holding love.
Action: Accept joy and love exactly as it is, without fear of what comes next.
โญ๏ธIntroduction
This last week has been big. Over the previous year, my family and I believed that my mom had untreatable cancer and would die in the next few years. After one second opinion and surgery later, everything changed. She'll live a normal, healthy lifespan.
She's not cancer-free, but she's free in a different way - free to live the life she wasn't able to give herself until illness forced her to put herself first. Sheโs free to live.
Iโve been reflecting this week on what this news means to me. Iโve had so many questions come to mind. What am I feeling? How am I processing? How is my family doing? Is this real? Does this mean sheโs no longer disabled and must return to work to have healthcare? Is she going to get bionic organs?
You know what?
I donโt need a profound life lesson or reflection from this experience. I need to accept the kindness and joy of this moment. I can choose to be happy without worrying about whatโs next.
๐ตโ๐ซThe Belief - I don't deserve to be happy
When you live with ADHD and anxiety, it's easy to believe that struggle is your natural state. That happiness is temporary, and pain is permanent. That you somehow don't deserve the good things that come your way.
It can feel like life is a Linkin Park song (for the record I love them).
I've lived most of my life waiting for happiness to be taken away. When good news comes, like my mother's health improving or a new opportunity at work, my first instinct is to brace for loss. To tell me "This might not be as good as you thinkโ or โThereโs always a catchโ.
An internal mechanism that tells me to not allow myself to fully feel a sense of joy or accomplishment in anything that happens.
Even small events trigger this belief. Whenever my work Gmail shows an authentication error while working, my default is to think โWell, I got laid off. It was bound to happen eventuallyโ. This core belief that I don't deserve happiness has shaped how I react to everything - from minor technical glitches to life-changing news.
๐คThe Reality - Iโm worthy of holding love
It's profound how sometimes it takes life's hardest moments to teach us its most important lessons. My mom taught me unconditional love. I probably wouldnโt still be with my wife or be alive if I didnโt have her. Hereโs the twist, sheโs my chosen mom. This person who by chance moved next door to me 25 years ago taught me love. How lucky am I to have that? Not to mention the 4 other siblings I gained too.
While I wish she hadn't needed such a difficult path to learn to put herself first, I'm grateful for these lessons in love and self-worth.
I'm still processing the shift from preparing to say goodbye to looking forward to a future where she'll get to see my child grow up. Where we'll have more time to learn from each other. Where she gets to live the life she deserves.
My openness to joy is spreading. At work, I have an opportunity to propose a team. Iโve built many teams outside of my day job but this will be the first where Iโm building something at work from the ground up.
I don't know yet what shape that will take, but what matters is that for the first time in a long time, I feel like I might be in a place where I could truly thrive. Where I might grow and be able to help the people around me. It feels nice to look forward to work for the first time in a long time. It might change tomorrow but at this moment, I can choose to be content.
๐ ๏ธThe Action - Sit with joy exactly as it is
Sometimes there aren't complex strategies or profound lessons. Sometimes the action is simply to accept the love and kindness life offers. To sit with gratitude and allow yourself to receive without questioning.
Today, I choose to:
Ground myself in unexpected joy
Accept love without justifying it
Trust good news without waiting for bad news
Be present with happiness
Return love to the world
Breathe and enjoy the moment
โจConclusion
Some random shit is going to happen to burst my bubble. Thereโs always going to be something to face. Some unknown danger lurking that might steal my joy or bestow grief.
But in this moment, I choose to ground myself in the joy I feel. To accept what is, exactly as it is, without fear about what might come next.
When the universe gives you a gift, sometimes the bravest thing you can do is just accept it for what it is. A moment of joy the neverending sea of change.
Also, Fuck cancer.
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โญ๏ธNext Week
The closure of the Self-Care series.