#54🏡 Burnout - Keeping the House Clean

How to get chores done by reminding yourself you're not the problem.

Welcome to Tech Atypically 👋, your weekly blog for navigating the challenges of ADHD and being in the tech industry.

I’m an ADHD and product management coach helping you feel a little more comfortable with your life by oversharing mine.

Part 8 of the Coping with Burnout series.

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🦋The Takeaways

The belief: I often blame myself as the sole reason why my house is dirty.

The reality: It's not all on me and there are solutions that don’t involve “fixing” me.

The action: Ask yourself, “What if I’m not the problem?” to help you find practical solutions for getting chores done.

⭐Introduction

When I’m burned out, the last thing I want to do is clean. I often blame myself for the state of our house.

It’s my fault it’s not clean enough or if there’s clutter in the hallway. It’s a continuous chorus of shame, blame, and a hamper overfilled with dirty clothes. It’s so easy to blame myself for everything.

What if it’s not all my fault?

What if there’s something else that’s blocking everything? What if unblocking that little thing unblocks everything else? I explore these questions today to help you get household chores done more easily and blame yourself a little less for everything.

I only have one child and my house is like this.

🏡The Belief - Everything is my fault

If you’re like me, blaming yourself for everything is a daily practice. It’s a form of self-loathing which for me, is the root of my ADHD challenges.

Self-loathing or self-hate makes me believe I’m unworthy of anything I achieve.

Everything I do, no matter the outcome, leads to my inevitable failure. It's like having a critical immigrant mother who resides within your emotions and constantly points out your failures in everything you do.

I have a strict immigrant mom and ADHD which makes my self-loath game 100.

I tell myself “I am the problem” and there is no solution because nothing can “fix” me. Even my big successes are seen as flukes on the path to failure.

I know objectively it’s not true, but it still drives many of my emotions.

🏡The Reality - It’s not all your fault

Self-loathing and rumination are common traits of ADHD. When their superpowers combine, they can leave us paralyzed to do regular things like household chores.

When you’ve failed at putting away your clothes enough. You give up hope of ever getting it done because of the self-loathing:

"The self-loathing that inevitably arises from repeating the same mistakes over and over again, from forgetting or losing things over and over again, from feeling hopelessly incapable of succeeding at even the simplest of tasks… over and over again.” -Additude

Then rumination comes along and amplifies those negative feelings so loud that all you think about is how much you’ve failed and will continue to fail.

It sucks.

It’s not all your fault. You have ADHD which is a disability. Mechanically, you can fold your clothes (assuming ADHD is your only disability), but something about your disability prevents you from doing it the same way as others.

Maybe you’re not the problem then. You just need a different way to get things done.

🏡The Action - What if I’m not the problem?

To break out of the self-loathing fixation I ask myself the question “What if I’m not the problem?”

I like the question because it changes my self-talk from how I can’t do something to how to do something.

There’s a very subtle difference in the language but a world of difference in how it triggers my self-loathing. I can think more about the problem when I stop believing I’m the biggest problem.

Here’s a framework to use to get chores or tasks done. This easily applicable to product management as well when you’re stuck trying to write a doc.

1. Ask yourself “What if I’m not the problem?”.

   1. Remove yourself for a moment and think about a solution where you’re the recipient of the solution and not the problem.

2. Identify the small blockers and come up with ideas on how to unblock them.

   1. Break the task down into smaller parts and identify specifics of what makes the task the most difficult.

   2. Ask yourself how you feel about the smaller tasks to see what the biggest blockers are. Think about how to address it.

3. Try out your ideas as a hypothesis.

   1. I use "hypothesis” as a reminder that the outcome of the idea is data, not a judgment.

Come to me…wash me…

🏡Here are examples from my own life and client.

🏡Problem: Doing laundry.

Specific Issue: I forget to move the laundry from the wash. This makes them smell from being there too long. Which leads me to wash them again. Creating a cycle of never getting the laundry done.

Possible Solution: Get a Wi-Fi-enabled washer and dryer that reminds your phone and watch when it’s time to move laundry over. Since having this at home, I’ve rarely had to rewash loads.

🏡Problem: Putting away laundry or keeping them off the floor.

Specific Issue: I take care of my favorite clothes, but I leave the rest on the ground. The insight was the person didn’t take care of the rest of their clothes because it didn’t bring them joy. The clothes were a reminder they never bought the new clothes that had planned to.

Possible Solution: Marie Kondo away your clothes that don’t bring you joy and buy clothes that do. Care more about your clothes by having clothes that make you happy.

✨Conclusion

It’s easy to think about your shortcomings. It’s also easy to spend money on things that make you happy. Get that dopamine from buying things that bring you joy and make your life better.

You could consider my suggestions as a form of ADHD tax but the people the manufacturers make it for are probably neurotypicals.

What if it’s not an ADHD tax? What if you’re not the problem? What if it’s old-fashioned capitalism and consumerism?

I can live with it. Especially when it keeps my house cleaner and my life a little more joyful.

🐼Want to talk to me privately about your ADHD struggles?

⏭️Next Week

Success stories of the year. Thank you to the reviewer that wanted to hear my successes.