#53🥄 Burnout - Making Capacity for the Ones You Love

What spoons can teach us about our capacity for work, love and life.

Welcome to Tech Atypically 👋, your weekly blog for navigating the challenges of ADHD and being in the tech industry.

I’m an ADHD and product management coach helping you feel a little more comfortable in your own life by oversharing mine.

Part 8 of the Coping with Burnout series.

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🦋The Takeaways

The belief: ADHD prevents me from being both a good partner and a successful employee simultaneously.

The reality: ADHD both limits and enhances my abilities in different areas, affecting my overall capacity.

The action: Employ the 'Spoon Theory' method to prioritize tasks based on my capacity to balance personal and professional responsibilities.

⭐Introduction

A few months ago, I met someone who told me that they were doing well in their career but struggling to maintain their home life. Their relationship with their partner was strained and they weren’t sure what to do.

I didn’t have a good answer in the brief moment we spoke but the question has been on my mind since.

Then one day my friend Michael at Evolve Vocational mentioned spoons in our ADHD professionals group. Why is a therapist talking about spoons?

It led me down an ADHD rabbit hole of Spoon Theory and the importance of recognizing the various forms of our capacity.

Spoiler: I don’t explain spoon theory until paragraph 3.

🥄The Belief - One gas tank to rule them all

I used to think the capacity to live was drawn from the same tank. That my physical, mental, and emotional efforts were drawn from the same pool of resources.

I would measure my capacity by hours. If I had 12 hours in a day to do things, I would break up my tasks by hours and put in on my calendar. Sounds neurotypical right?

As a result, I believed that the 2 hours I spent writing at work would be the same effort as the 2 hours I would spend with my family. Herein lies the flaw.

I assumed that 2 hours at work cost the same amount of energy as 2 hours being a dad and husband. I was wrong and I would often incorrectly estimate what I could do with my family after work.

At the end of my days, I wouldn’t bask in my accomplishments. Instead, I would wallow in the shame of what I didn’t get done.

The newsletter I’d be late with (like this one). The dance class I promised my wife I would pay. The coloring I didn’t do with my daughter because cooking took longer than expected.

I’d be tired and envious of everyone else who seemed to be able to balance life in a way I couldn’t.

My one-tank capacity theory fueled the loop of believing I could do it all but always coming up short.

Source

🥄The Reality - ADHD and its impact on our capacities

ADHD isn't just about being distracted or restless. It affects how you process and handle your capacities. You have different 'tanks' or capacities for physical, mental, and emotional energy.

With ADHD, these tanks can be unpredictable. Some days, your mental tank may be full, but your emotional tank is running on empty. On other days, it's the opposite. This variability makes it tricky to predict how much you can handle each day.

The critical thing to remember is that ADHD impacts these capacities in unique ways. It's not just about having less energy; it's about how your brains regulate and distribute that energy.

So, when you feel overwhelmed or underperforming, it’s not your fault.

You are not broken.

It's a symptom of how ADHD affects your brain's executive functions, which include managing your energy and focus.

🥄The Action - Applying Spoons Theory

Spoon Theory is a metaphor for managing limited energy reserves, where each 'spoon' represents a unit of energy you can spend on activities.

Applying Spoon Theory to ADHD means rethinking and visualizing how you manage your capacities. The author below breaks up spoons into 6 categories. For our purposes, we’re going to break it up into 3 three.

I don’t have enough spoons in my drawer to support 6 categories.

First, identify your tasks for the day and categorize them: which are mental, emotional, or physical. Then, assess your spoons in each category. You might have plenty of mental spoons but few emotional ones.

Next, prioritize your tasks. Tackle the ones that match your available spoons. If you're low on emotional spoons, maybe postpone that 1-on-1 talk for another day. If your mental spoons are overflowing, dive into that paper you’ve been procrastinating on.

Remember, it's okay to adjust your expectations based on your spoon count. It's about working with your ADHD to be aware of what you can do instead of what you should do.

Then the hard part. Communicate your spoon status with those around you. It helps them understand your capacity and sets better expectations for those depending on you.

Remember, people are often more disappointed when you say nothing than when you say something will be late.

Each of us has different spoons for different tasks and the spoon cost can change day to day.

✨Conclusion

Understanding and applying Spoon Theory gives me a tangible way to visualize and manage the ever-changing capacities that come with ADHD.

This method has not only improved my self-awareness but has also improved my relationships and work life. By recognizing the different 'spoons' I have each day, I'm better at setting realistic goals and communicating my capabilities to others.

I don’t have to be perfect but being more self-aware helps my loved ones know how I can best show up.

I wrote this story in hopes I might be able to help that person ask me how to balance their life and career. I wonder what kind of spoon they’d use to map their day.

If you have a favorite spoon, throw a link in the comments.

The spoon that every Thai person knows.

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⏭️Next Week

Getting basic chores done. How to stop leaving clothes in the washer for too long.