#121 đ The Three Lessons That Changed How I Work: Wrapping Up the Inclusive Performance Coaching Series
What I learned about safety, connection, and doing your best work
Welcome to Tech Atypically đ, your weekly blog for navigating the challenges of ADHD and being in the tech industry.
I am an ADHD and product management coach, helping you change one belief and take one action each week.
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đŚ The Takeaways
Lesson 1: You donât have to do everything aloneâsuccess comes through connection.
Lesson 2: Get it out of your headâclarity comes through action, not before it.
Lesson 3: Safety is everythingâyou canât do your best work if you canât show up fully.
âď¸ Introduction
This issue marks the end of the Inclusive Performance Coaching series.
When I started this series, my goal was to define the principles of our coaching practice to provide practical advice to succeed at work. I wanted to show that strategies for coaching neurodivergent people could be applied to everyoneânot just people with a disability.
From my reflection I learned that safety is key. Whether youâre neurodivergent or not, whether youâve been diagnosed or just suspect you are, you should always be able to feel safe to find and request the help you need to be successful in your job.
And this matters because in the US, healthcare is tied to employment. If you canât keep your job, you donât get to have healthcare (or a visa for immigrants). The stakes are high.
As I think back on this series, here are the top 3 lessons I learned.
đĄ Lesson 1: You Donât Have to Do Everything Alone
The biggest belief I had to overcome was: I have to do everything alone. If I ask for help, itâs weakness. My flaws are mine. Iâm not working hard enough.
Thatâs just not the case. (No matter what my Asian mom my taught me)
In the workplace, you succeed as a team. You succeed by connecting with people, understanding their challenges, sharing what you have to offer, and receiving what others offer you.
From Planning (#114): When youâre stuck in planning paralysis, the answer isnât to plan harderâitâs to ask who can help.
From To-Do Lists (#119): When your to-do list never gets started, the solution is âwho, not how.â Your job is to identify who can help and ask them.
From Performance Reviews (#118): When you canât remember your accomplishments, share your wins weekly with your manager so they can see your value continuously.
The takeaway: Youâre not doing this alone. You have people. You just have to ask.
đ§ Lesson 2: Get It Out of Your HeadâClarity Comes Through Action
Every issue came back to the same fundamental problem: when everything stays in your head, it becomes overwhelming and impossible.
From Prioritization (#110): When youâre drowning in tasks, donât go to your manager empty-handed. Gather context, create your priority proposal, then discuss alignment. Externalize your thinking before the conversation.
From Reading the Room (#112): When you canât gauge psychological safety, track concrete signals. Look for patterns in how your manager responds to mistakes, handles questions, shares struggles. Externalize the abstract feeling into tangible behaviors.
From The Connection Trap (#113): When boundaries with your manager blur, make them explicit and visible to both of you.
The pattern: accept that the beginning is going to be messy. The mess is part of the process.
You donât figure it out in your head first and then externalize it. You externalize it messy and incomplete, and the clarity emerges through working with it.
Clarity comes through action, not before it.
đĄď¸ Lesson 3: Safety Is Everything
As I think about this series, everything comes back to safety.
How we communicate connection, how we form bondsâit requires vulnerability. Putting things out there about ourselves, our fears, our concerns. And thereâs a real possibility that could be used against you.
The reality: not all work environments fit your style. There are people you might not work well with or who donât get you. Expressing what you need in a supportive work environment is hard.
Without safety, none of these strategies work. You need safety to:
Admit you donât have it figured out
Document honestly without fear your ADHD traits will be used against you
Ask for help when you canât start
Bring your own proposals instead of asking to be told what to do
Establish boundaries before relationships get too close
You can externalize all you want, but if vulnerability means punishment, youâll stay stuck.
And hereâs the hard truth: Not every workplace will be safe. Not every manager will understand. Not every team will support you.
Thatâs not a failure of you. Thatâs a failure of the system around you.
Part of the work is learning to express what you need. Part of the work is finding environments where you can actually do your best work. It can be hard but when you find the right place, it feels amazing.
⨠Conclusion
When I started this series, I wanted to define our coaching principles. What I ended up learning was that Iâm one part of a team. I donât have to do everything and itâs not all my fault if we fail.
The three lessons:
You donât have to do everything aloneâsuccess comes through connection
Get it out of your headâclarity comes through action, not before it
Safety is everythingâyou canât do your best work in an unsafe environment
In my next series, Iâll explore what itâs like to be diagnosed late with ADHD or other neurodivergence. Iâll share things I wish Iâd known earlier, what the diagnosis experience is like, and how to still perform in the workplace despite your challenges or disabilities.
Iâll be partnering with therapists, coaches, researchers, and medical providers to explore topics that are more health-related and ADHD-related to help you succeed at work and at home.
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âď¸ Next Week
The start of âThing I Wish I Knew Soonerâ