#110 🤝 Stop Going to Your Manager Scared: The ADHD Guide to Smart Prioritization Conversations
How to have prioritization discussions that show your thinking instead of your fears
Welcome to Tech Atypically 👋, your weekly blog for navigating the challenges of ADHD and being in the tech industry.
I am an ADHD and product management coach, helping you change one belief and take one action each week.
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🦋 The Takeaways
Belief: My manager always knows what's best.
Reality: Managers have blind spots and need your perspective to fill them.
Action: Gather context, create your priority proposal, then discuss alignment.
⭐️ Introduction
Welcome to part 9 of the Inclusive Performance Coaching Series, where I explore topics that help you improve your work performance in ways that work for your brain. This week: Prioritization (Part 2).
Last week, we covered why you freeze when stakes are highest. This week: having productive prioritization conversations with your manager.
Picture this: You have ten things on your plate. You can only get five done well. The common advice? "Just ask your manager what the five most important things are."
Sounds straightforward, right? But if you're like me, this conversation feels terrifying. You should already know, right? What if asking makes you look stupid? What if you’re wrong?
So you overcompensate by doing way too preparation to talk to your manager, and in your anxiety, fumble in your conversation with them. Now you do look stupid.
Today, I'm exploring how to have these conversations effectively with insights from my partner coaches Michael Asaku-Yeboah (licensed therapist) and Rupert Dallas (tech executive).
😵💫 The Belief - My Manager Knows All
When you're overwhelmed with competing priorities, it seems logical that your manager should know what matters most. They have the bigger picture, understand the business strategy, and are paid to make these decisions.
This belief gets reinforced by advice like "manage up" and "get clarity from leadership." If you're drowning in tasks, shouldn't your manager rank them? Shouldn’t they know what’s best for you and the business?
For many ADHD brains, this feels safest. Instead of risking getting it wrong, ask someone else to decide. It removes the anxiety of making the wrong choice.
But here's what happens when you show up empty-handed.
🤝 The Reality - Managers Want Your Perspective
Here's what Rupert explains from the manager's perspective: when you ask "what should I prioritize?" without preparation, it signals you haven't thought about the work. And that's what makes you look bad.
Managers want your thinking. You're in the weeds—they're not. You understand the constraints, dependencies, and effort required in ways they can't from their level.
When Rupert has ten priorities, he wants you to come with your perspective on which five are most achievable given your capabilities. He may disagree, but he wants to see your reasoning first. Without your reasoning, he’ll continue to have an incomplete picture of the situation.
Michael adds: Much of our reluctance stems from anxiety about appearing incompetent. We're dealing with ambiguity about what our manager expects, combined with past experiences of being criticized for "not knowing what we should know."
The result? We avoid the conversation or show up asking our manager to do our thinking, which creates the exact impression we were trying to avoid. Instead, choose not to listen to your fear and believe that your perspective is valuable, no matter the outcome.
🛠️ The Action - Gather Context, Create Your Priority Proposal, Then Discuss Alignment
Here’s how to have your next prioritization conversation with less fear and more confidence:
1. Do Your Homework First
Before scheduling that conversation, gather the context that will inform your thinking:
Your job description - What are you accountable for?
Your leveling guide - What's expected at your level?
Team OKRs and goals - What is your team trying to accomplish?
Recent team meetings or off-site notes - What priorities have been discussed?
Michael emphasizes this step because it gives you data to back your reasoning. You're not just guessing—you're connecting your priorities to documented expectations and goals.
2. Create Your Priority Proposal
Don't just list tasks—show your thinking. For each priority, include:
What it is and why it matters
How long it will take
What you need to deliver it
How it connects to team goals
This isn't about being right—it's about demonstrating thought. As Rupert says, come with solutions and a plan, not just questions.
3. Use AI to Help Organize Your Thinking
If you're overwhelmed by all the information you've gathered, use AI to help synthesize it. Feed it your job description, team goals, and task list, and ask it to help you create a priority framework. This can help you organize your thoughts before the conversation.
4. Frame the Conversation Correctly
Instead of: "Can you tell me what I should prioritize?"
Try: "I've been thinking about my priorities and wanted your perspective. Based on our team goals, here's how I'm thinking about tackling these ten items. I'd love your thoughts on alignment."
This positions you as someone who's done the thinking and wants alignment, not someone who needs their manager to think for them.
5. Be Open to Pushback
When your manager disagrees with your priorities, don't take it personally. This is the conversation working as intended. They have information you don't have.
Ask follow-up questions: "Help me understand why X should come before Y" or "What am I missing about the urgency of this?" This shows you want to understand their reasoning, not just follow orders.
✨ Conclusion
The goal of prioritization conversations isn’t for you to be judged on your ability to stack rank. It’s a space for you to show your manager what they could be missing out on and how you can help. When you show up prepared, you create collaboration rather than a one-sided download.
This approach serves you multiple ways: you demonstrate strategic thinking, learn how your manager prioritizes, and build confidence in your judgment. Plus, you're more likely to execute on priorities you helped create.
Remember: your manager hired you to think, not just execute. They want your brain engaged with the work, especially when it comes to understanding what matters most.
Next time you're overwhelmed with competing priorities, resist the urge to ask someone else to decide. Do the thinking first, then have the conversation.
You’re the solution, not the problem.
What priorities are you struggling to sort through right now, and what context do you need to gather to think about them more clearly?
🐼 Ready to break through prioritization paralysis? Get personalized ADHD coaching that helps you recognize your patterns and build sustainable strategies for tackling high-stakes work.
⏭️Next Week
The small win strategy: How to build momentum when everything feels overwhelming.