#108 📋 How to Stop "Shoulding" on Yourself to Be More Productive

The ADHD framework for cutting through the noise in your head to figure out what matters most.

Welcome to Tech Atypically 👋, your weekly blog for navigating the challenges of ADHD and being in the tech industry.

I am an ADHD and product management coach, helping you change one belief and take one action each week.

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🦋 The Takeaways

Belief: Being more productive means getting more things done.

Reality: Productivity is about doing the most important things, not the most things.

Action: Use the shoulds/wants/needs framework to identify what matters.

⭐️ Introduction

Welcome to part 7 of the Inclusive Performance Series, where I explore topics that help you improve your work performance in ways that work for your brain. This week: Productivity.

"How do I be more productive? How do I get more done?"

This is one of the most frequently asked questions I get from clients and readers with ADHD. And honestly, it's one I ask myself constantly. Especially in today's tech landscape, where AI promises to 100x your output and LinkedIn Influencers have a secret that will fix all your problems if you just buy their course, it feels like you can’t escape someone telling you they’ll fix you.

But here's what I've learned: before asking how to be productive, you ask what is important to you first.

The sandcastles I made never lived up to the ones in cartoons. Talk about false advertising.

😵‍💫 The Belief - More Productivity Means More Output

When I think about productivity, especially with ADHD, I default to thinking it’s “me” problem. If I could just work a little faster, be a little smarter, everything would be okay. I believe overcoming myself is the key to being productive.

This belief gets reinforced everywhere:

• Productivity gurus selling systems to "optimize your life"

• AI tools promising to multiply your output

• Managers asking why something took so long

• Social media showing how someone just like you is doing so much better

Between the world constantly trying to sell me things to make me more productive, and the default level of anxiety in my head. The “shoulds” get loud in my head. If you’re like me, probably 90% of what's in your brain is "shoulds." I should do this. I should do that. I should be better at this. I should focus more.

I should get my newsletter done on time. (Yes, I’m a week late)

When I finally shake off the shoulds, I sit down to do work and I look at my giant to-do list and….I shut down. I tell myself there’s no way I could ever catch up or accomplish my goal. I can’t work faster or procrastinate less, no matter what I “should” myself into doing.

I’ll never catch up trying harder or “shoulding” on myself harder. Instead, I have to think differently and change the rules.

🤝 The Reality - Productivity Is About the Right Things, Not More Things

Here’s how to change the rules: Productivity isn't about increasing your output; it’s about practicing your ability to understand what’s most important to you.

Productivity is relative. It's not just about getting as much done as you can—it's about progress on the most important things.

The "most important things" part is the hard part. Because that's relative to you as a person, your desires and needs. And it's also relative to your manager and your organization.

But here's what makes this especially challenging for ADHD brains: it's hard to know what you want when you've spent so much time not trusting yourself.

You've been told you're unproductive. You've been asked why something takes so long, or how you could be so careless. The hard part isn't the execution of tasks—it's getting over the emotional barrier and complex trauma of being told that your wants and needs are wrong.

Each task is a reminder of all the other times you’ve messed up and how you’ll probably mess up again. It’s an invisible startup cost that others rarely see.

So the question of "how do I be more productive?" is more complicated. Instead, view productivity based on your needs and desires. You have to start with what you believe and dare to be curious, and balance your needs with opinions of others and your co-workers to keep moving forward.

In other words, you won't know what "productive" means until you know what's most important for you.

And ADHD meds, a therapist, regular exercise routine, healthy food, regular breaks during the day, and free time to play video games and write. Then I can properly accept and share the love from those around me.

🛠️ The Action - Practice Awareness, Not Perfection

Here's a framework to help you practice self-awareness for your ever-changing feelings and work priorities:

The Shoulds, Wants, and Needs Framework

Step 1: Brain Dump Everything

Follow your anxiety. Write out all the things that are in your head about your to-do list, your projects, everything you think you need to do. Get it all out.

Note: We all brain dump differently. Some of us are most effective when writing it down, while others are better at talking it out loud. Choose the method that works best for you, and if you talked it out, you can always clean it up with AI afterward.

Step 2: Categorize into Three Buckets

Shoulds - Externally motivated things

• "I should get this feature done today"

• "I should exercise more"

• "I should respond to that email immediately"

Wants - Internal motivations for the future

• "I want to learn how to code"

• "I want to go on vacation"

• "I want to get better at public speaking"

Needs - Internal motivations for right now with consequences

• "I need to get this PRD done so my boss understands the plan"

• "I need to wash my clothes before I run out of underwear"

• "I need to take a nap because I don't have the emotional capacity to do this task"

Step 3: Focus on the Top 2-3 per Category

Don't try to tackle everything. Pick the top 2-3 items in each category to create a smaller list to focus on.

Step 4: Start with Needs, Then Wants

Your needs are your immediate requirements. Your wants are what motivate you internally. Your shoulds can wait or be reassessed. Things move between categories, too, and that’s ok. That’s why you’re doing this exercise. That should exercise more may change to a need after your first heart attack

Remember: your wants and needs are relative to you, so they're valid. The question is how they fit with external factors. For example, if you "should" get a feature done but you want to play video games, ask why. Maybe you need to rest first, and that's okay—you'll produce higher quality work than procrastinating for hours.

Make It a Practice

This isn't a steady state—it's a practice. Just like a product manager constantly assesses whether feature specifications are still relevant or if goals have changed, you need to constantly practice evaluating what the right goal is and the most effective use of your time and needs. Keep checking in with yourself, and you’ll be able to quiet the noise.

✨ Conclusion

Productivity starts with understanding your priorities. You can't assess the priorities and importance of external demands until you understand your own and have your own opinion. Otherwise, you'll follow whatever you think you should do—and there's an emotional cost to doing things that are out of line with your feelings.

Having your opinion and being grounded in your wants and needs allows you to form an opinion, to be confident with external factors, and to assess if something that seemed like a "should" (a P2 priority) is actually a "need" (a P0 priority). (I apologize for my nerdy product joke)

Next time the shoulds get loud, fall back on your voice and listen to what you want and need.

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⏭️Next Week

Making a trade off decision