#106 🎯 The Confidence Paradox: Why "Just Be More Confident" Doesn't Work for ADHD Brains
How to build sustainable confidence that works with your neurodivergent brain, not against it
Welcome to Tech Atypically 👋, your weekly blog for navigating the challenges of ADHD and being in the tech industry.
I am an ADHD and product management coach, helping you change one belief and take one action each week.
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Part 5 of the Inclusive Performance Series
🦋 The Takeaways
Belief: Confidence is an on/off switch that I either have or don't have.
Reality: Confidence requires grounding in yourself, not external validation.
Action: Start by serving yourself first, then ask, "What kind of confidence does this situation need?"
⭐️ Introduction
"Just be more confident."
"Practice more and be confident in your presentation."
I don't know about you, but I've heard these platitudes countless times. Most recently, it happened a few weeks ago at work. And honestly? It stings every time.
Here's what's frustrating: I publicly speak regularly. I've been a speaker coach. I help people navigate complex ADHD challenges just like this regularly. Yet somehow, when it comes to confidence at my day job, I struggle.
If you're neurodivergent and have been told to "just be more confident," you know exactly what I mean. Today, I want to explore why this advice falls flat for ADHD brains and how to identify what works best for you.
😵💫 The Belief - Confidence Is a Binary Switch
When people tell you to "be more confident," there's an assumption that confidence is like a light switch—either you have it or you don't. You walk into that room, flip the switch, and suddenly you can handle whatever gets thrown at you.
For many of us with ADHD, we've internalized that confidence means:
Knowing all the answers immediately
Never showing uncertainty or asking for clarification
Being able to articulate perfect responses on the spot in meetings
Having unwavering, Indiana Jones-level boldness in everything we do
This binary thinking is particularly damaging for neurodivergent people because we’ve often been told our whole lives that we're wrong, or we've been scared of being wrong due to past reprimands. Our confidence becomes tied to external validation—being right, being praised by others, or avoiding mistakes at all costs.
The classical image of confidence—the person who knows all the answers and nothing can hurt them—becomes the only acceptable way to show up. But when you have ADHD and your brain works differently, trying to fit into this narrow definition is exhausting and often impossible.
🤝 The Reality - Confidence Requires Grounding, Not Perfection
Confidence isn't about having all the answers. It's about having the courage to show up despite uncertainty. But here's the key insight I've learned: confidence requires grounding.
To be confident, I need to be grounded in purpose and meaning. When I started my coaching company, I had confidence because I was grounded in the belief that coaching for people with ADHD was important. When I launched a whiskey company, my confidence came from being grounded in increasing diversity and inclusion in the spirits space.
But at work, especially with ambiguous tasks, finding that grounding is harder. I often try to ground my confidence externally—in helping my teammates, in supporting others, or trying to make more money. While these are good motivations, they're still external sources of validation. They’re things outside your control, and building your foundation of self-worth and confidence is going to fail you.
I learned that lesson this week and learned how to ground my confidence in myself. Recently, through a tough week at work, I had a breakthrough. My wife and neighbor reminded me that I am love—that I am the embodiment of love. If I am love, then the amount of love within me will always be greater than any suffering, pain, or darkness I experience due to ADHD.
Here's the twist that changed everything: If I am love, then it's okay to serve myself.
I've always tied my confidence to achieving goals or helping others, never allowing myself to say "this is just for me." I never really allowed myself to like me, to believe I was worthy of love. But if I'm the embodiment of love, then serving myself isn't selfish—it's necessary.
🛠️ The Action - Redefine Confidence for Your ADHD Brain
Here's how to build sustainable confidence that works with your neurodivergent brain:
1. Remember: Confidence ≠ Being Right
Confidence doesn't mean having all the answers. You can be confident and change your opinion. You can be confident and not know the answer. Confidence is about proceeding forward despite uncertainty.
When someone asks you a question you don't know the answer to, try this: "That's a really good point. What comes to mind for me is [identify the thing that's blocking you], but let me get back to you because I need to think about this."
This shows you listened and creates an invitation for dialogue rather than shutting down the conversation.
2. Ground Your Confidence in Yourself First
Instead of depending on external validation, practice grounding your confidence internally. It's okay to serve yourself. Your needs, thoughts, and feelings are worthy and mean something.
You are worthy of serving yourself and showing up to work the way you best want to. You don’t need to ground yourself in others and external goals. These external locusts of control will always fail you eventually.
This doesn't mean abandoning service to others—you can have both. You can serve yourself AND serve others. They're not mutually exclusive. But start with yourself as a foundation.
3. Recognize That Confidence Isn't One-Size-Fits-All
Confidence shows up differently for everyone and in different contexts. When I was a fighter, my confidence was more flamboyant—smiling when I got hit was psychological warfare. At work, my confidence changes based on what’s needed.
When I’m talking to senior leaders, my confidence shows as being direct and simple with my messaging. I need to be aware of when to go into details and when not to. Especially in knowing when to say, “I don’t know. I’ll get back to you.”, with a calm and strong confidence.
When I’m talking to colleagues who are struggling, my confidence shows up as a listener first, and if possible, a problem solver, second. I want them to know that I’ll be there for them, no matter what happens next. I want them to feel that I’ll confidently listen and be there for them.
Next time, when someone tells you to "be more confident," ask them: "What does that mean to you?" or "What kind of confidence does this situation need?"
4. Remember: Confidence Doesn't Mean Going It Alone
Confidence doesn't mean doing everything by yourself. This week, when I was struggling with a project, a colleague stepped in to help me iterate and improve it.
Instead of letting imposter syndrome take over, I stayed grounded in believing they had the best intentions and wanted me to succeed. Their suggestions weren't a reflection of my failure—they were a reflection of their confidence in me.
Being confident means having the courage to show up with others, listen to what their needs are, and work together to figure out what's next. Sometimes, the most confident thing you can do is ask for help or acknowledge that collaboration will produce a better outcome than going solo.
✨ Conclusion
The next time someone tells you to "just be more confident," remember that confidence for ADHD brains works differently. It's not about flipping a switch or suddenly knowing all the answers. It's about:
Grounding yourself in purpose (starting with serving yourself)
Having the courage to show up despite uncertainty
Asking the next question instead of having all the answers
Recognizing that your form of confidence might look different, and that's okay
As a product manager, I've learned that my job isn't to be right or have all the answers. My job is to help my team get to the next question, to move through assumptions, and to prioritize the next move in light of what we discover.
Your confidence doesn't have to look like anyone else's. It just has to be grounded in something real—and the most real foundation you have is yourself.
🐼 Ready to build unshakeable confidence that works with your ADHD brain, not against it? Get personalized ADHD coaching that addresses the real challenges you face at work—from executive communication to behavioral strategies that stick.
⏭️Next Week
Learning how to build resilience against your own self-loathing and anxiety.