#10 What I've learned about myself after 10 newsletters
Self reflection and feeling a little less lonely.
I moved the takeaways up because Substack won’t like me to generate hyperlinks for headers too far down the page for some reason. So now you can skim with 90% less scrolling.
Introduction
When I started this newsletter, a colleague (and subscriber) gave me the advice to aim for 10 issues. After 10 issues, I would have figured out what I wanted to write about and better understand my goals. Today I celebrate 10 issues! Thanks to all of you that have been reading since issue #1 and those that have joined along the way. Let’s find out what I’ve learned so far.
Takeaways (What I’ve learned in the last 10 weeks)
I have the power to acknowledge and explore the challenges I have.
Kindness and cultivating meaningful connections are often the strongest tools to overcome our negative self-image or feelings.
You can learn something from the PM interview process and living a life with ADHD.
My motivation for doing this publication is to have an open and honest conversation with myself in hopes you might be able to do the same for yourself.
I have the power to acknowledge and explore the challenges I have
I’ve spent a lot of time running from or procrastinating things in life. This has included running from a hard project at work (and getting in trouble sometimes), running from a mistake that I felt too much shame to fix, and running from an idea before it even started. I’ve spent the last 2 months running, in some ways, from finding a new job. The running this time taught me something, however.
I might not have the ability to completely stop running or stop being scared (thanks to ADHD and life), but I can acknowledge the fears that exist and begin to explore how to fix them. I have the power to grant myself the kindness to say that it’s OK to be scared. It’s OK to fail. It’s OK to run away sometimes. In doing so, I can begin to let go of the self-imposed shame from running and being scared. I have the power to take a pause and examine myself. By taking the time to explore what I’m feeling and what I want, I’ve begun to emerge as the person I want to be. I’m still scared but I know I’m running in the right direction.
Kindness and cultivating meaningful connections are often the strongest tools to overcome our negative self-image or feelings
I started approaching the research for this newsletter by diving into lots of ADHD books (check out my reading list). I was approaching my writing from a scientific perspective and trying to figure out what was “broken” with me. However, as I continued to read more about the strategies for coping with ADHD, I realized that a lot of the challenges I faced were more emotional than physiological. The sense of shame, rejection sensitivity dysphoria (see link below for more info), self-isolation, and rumination came from me and were amplified by my ADHD. My ADHD might be a big part of why I feel what I do but I have the option to react to how I feel. This isn’t a science problem, it’s a kindness one.
I’ve decided to choose kindness as my reaction to my negative feelings as best I can. To let go of what I should do and should feel in order to experience simply what happens the slap some kindness on it. I’ve learned that when I’m kind to myself, I am able to learn what I need, not what I think I should need. When I’m kind to others by recognizing their negative feelings, I can help them overcome those feelings. In doing so, I can create meaningful connections with others. Kindness also gives a much-loved dopamine rush to our ADHD brain. These voices (and chemicals) can break the cycle of my inner dialogue of shame and doubt. As a result, I’ve switched over to reading more empathy and kindness books recently. To quote the comedian Patton Oswalt, “It’s all chaos, be kind.”
You can learn something from the PM interview process and living a life with ADHD.
A core strategy of typical PM interview questions is to identify the goals and avoid jumping to solutions right away. This same concept can apply to your ADHD life. Start off by thinking about what your goals are and what you want. Avoid jumping straight to ideas of how things could work or fail (a favorite of an ADHD brain). ADHD self-doubt runs rampant when you think of things without a clear goal in mind. You can end up focusing on things that don’t matter and quitting before you start. This experience is similar to a PM answering an interview question by rambling about a solution when there is no clear goal in mind.
I am scared and intimidated by the typical PM interview questions. However, I’m learning to overcome that fear by learning how the answering framework can improve my life. Instead of seeing it as an exercise in pain every time I need a new job. Just like the interview process and life, it’s about practice, practice, practice, practice to ace the next challenge. Once I have a clear goal in mind, I can let my ADHD brain take care of the rest of the work. I just need to give it a clear path.
My motivation for doing this publication is to have an open and honest conversation with myself in hopes you might be able to do the same for yourself.
I felt so alone for the 30+ years before I found out about my ADHD diagnosis. I thought all the negative thoughts I had were just a part of being human. Everyone was just like me and I was weak. So I buried my feelings. My undocumented Asian immigrant parents taught me emotions are a liability. Hard work is the only way to survive. Never show others your failures or weakness. And for them, like millions of other immigrants, this was true. Thus I learned to put on masks to survive and experienced the pain that ADHD can cause, completely isolated from a world that was waiting to help.
I’m working to break my cycle of mental health and ADHD isolation by being open with my emotions and experiences. I can do that by talking about it as openly and honestly as I can. Along the way, I’ll learn more about myself, and find others that I can learn from. If I’m lucky, I might even become part of their journey to finding who they are and being less lonely.
Conclusion
I’ve learned a lot about myself and being a product manager in writing these stories. They’ve helped me personally grow in both areas. For example, I didn’t know that a growth PM was a specific type of PM. It’s also strengthened my relationship with friends, and colleagues, and made some new connections with strangers. I can’t ask for more than that. Thanks for reading, and I hope you find time to have an honest conversation with yourself too. You might be surprised at what you learn.
Coming up in the following weeks
A series on how to make the product manager interview framework easier for the ADHD brain and how we can apply it to life. Why? Because my biggest fear with interviewing is the abstract PM questions. I might as well tackle it openly and help some others in the same boat.
Glad this has been cathartic for you, Dude! 🤍